Friday, September 25, 2015

The Worst Millennium Cards

The Millennium sticker set was the first "official" set released after Spellfire's termination at the hands of those scallywags at Wizards of the Coast. The cards making up this set were fan-designed and approved by the Spellfire "council" in 2000. Some of the Millennium cards were amazing, others were dire misfires. Today we'll focus on the misfires. Without further ado, here are the 8 worst Spellfire cards from the historic Millennium set.

#8 - The Wealthy Oriental Vassal (Millennium, 8/72).

This card is banned in Spellfire: TAV. Not much to say here...a continuation of the idiocy that was the Poor Oriental Lord (Dungeons chase, 20/25). Cards that make you check the edition of all other cards in play are lame. Plus both of these awful champions need specially-constructed decks in order to not ruin your own game. Just bad.

#7 - Rigged Dice (Millennium, 22/99).

The entire dice mechanic that was shoe-horned into Spellfire in this set was a bad idea. With hindsight, it's clear this cringe-worthy scheme should have been shot down at the earliest stages - but it wasn't. So we get cards like this, which I picked for number 7 because it exemplifies the shocking wrong-headedness of rolling dice to determine Spellfire effects. Repeat after me, everyone: "Draw and discard".

#6 - Cannibalize (Millennium, 68/99).

Sigh. At #6 we have this thing. So in my deck, I'm supposed to waste one precious card slot for a psionic power that subtracts 2 from each of my own champions (killing any/all of the following: my Erellika, my Gatekeeper, my Crawling Claws, my Living Scroll, my Hettman Tsurin, my Cistern Fiend, my Julio, etc.)...and the plus side is a +6 or maybe a +8 ally? Possibly, at the outside, a +10 or +12 ally with no other powers? This card is like shooting yourself in the arm and hoping the bullet goes right through and kills the enemy next to you. Plus we have to look at that awful vampire-crying-his-eyes-out artwork. Maybe he's crying because he just tried to use this card in an actual game of Spellfire and the other players are still laughing at him?

#5 - Amish Nick (Millennium 41/99).

Another very bad idea: let's make a Spellfire card that will be useful only to the most nerdy of players. A card that is only remotely effective if its owner understands the order in which Spellfire expansions were released! People who aren't founts of information about Spellfire history are either incapable of using Amish Nick, or, worse, can be hoodwinked by those who are. Terrible idea, terrible card. Let's move on.

#4 - A Horrible Mistake.

Yes, it certainly was a horrible mistake. An event that is only useful when your opponent copies another card. What, doesn't everyone at every Spellfire table have a mitt full of Bell of Mights and Egg of Emulations? No? So this card is rarely useful? And it takes up one of your precious 10 event slots? Boy, I'm glad I have this event in my deck instead of a Caravan, or a Dodge, or a Cataclysm, or a Black Bess, or a Trasure Fleet, or a Good Fortune, or a Wine of Eternity, or a Bronze Dragons, or a Calm, or...

#3 - Dark Cloud (Millennium, 83/99).

A realm whose only power is to cancel the power of three specific other cards. Two of which no one ever plays with. A card even Spellfire novices would turn their noses up at. Printing this card is a literal waste of paper.

#2 - Headbutt (Millennium, 95/99).

Roll some dice and add the total to your champion. Then roll some more dice and add that total to your opponent's champion. So long as it isn't a monster (because that makes sense). Also, spells and psionics can't be used and...did a 10-year-old make up this card? Probably. Yeah, this crap is #2 on the list. Even the fact that the two people in the card photo are friends of mine can't save this clunker.

And now...the worst card of the Millennium set...

#1 - Madame Griselda's Tarroka Deck (Millennium, 32/99).

Just read it. Who okayed this?

Ugh...I can't handle any more of these awful cards from the Millennium set. Before I go insane let's look at the opposite end of the spectrum. Here's a really great card from the same set.

The Forgotten Idol (Millennium, 34/99).

Awesome art, useful power, just a primo card. Designer must be a genius or something. Ahem. :) 

Next time: The worst of the Inquisition set, perhaps?

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